Pippin and the Pokemon Briefs : A Misguiding Fable
by Amadelia
Summary: After pilfering a few edibles from Farmer Maggot, our favorite and much abused hobbits sit innocently hating each other when a nude relative to James Bond brings them together, or something.


Disclaimer: Don't own characters. Must...stay...away from vat...of ...strong...coffee...too much...intake...going to implode...  
  
Merry and Pippin sat against opposite sides of a massive tree trunks, sucking on honey suckle flowers they had "liberated" from Farmer Maggot's farm with sullen looks on their set faces.  
  
"I told you not to do it, Pippin. You must admit that you are most definitely in the wrong, my friend."  
  
"You're no friend of mine until you admit your part in this whole state of affairs!"  
  
The two 'hmphed' to themselves, then resumed their stubborn silence.  
  
"Erm, would you mind passing me a button mushroom?"  
  
"IF IT'S ALL MY FAULT THEN I SHOULD KEEP THE REWARDS FOR ALL OF THIS TROUBLE!"  
  
Merry sighed in resignation.  
  
"Fine. It was partially my fault, too. Now may I PLEASE HAVE A MUSHROOM?"  
  
Pippin sniffed as he tossed over some mushrooms.  
  
"No need for the violence, old lad."  
  
Merry 'hmphed' to himself.  
  
As did Pippin.  
  
Merry raised an eyebrow in puzzlement and a tinge of hope.  
  
"Does that mean we're on the same wavelength?"  
  
"Wot wot?"  
  
Merry rolled his eyes. "The-" Merry gesticulated with his free hand while he chewed on his mushroom, "The whole 'hmphing' thing."  
  
"I suppose."  
  
"All right then."  
  
They resumed eating.  
  
"But...but next time you do one of your brilliant things that always make you seem much more foolish and-pardon the phrase-Tookish, could you give me a bit more, ah, notice?"  
  
"IT WAS NONE OF MY BLOODY FAULT THAT WHEN I INFORMED YOU THAT WE'D BE CRASHING A PARTY TO LIBERATE SOME NOBLE FOOD THAT YOU LOADED TRAYS ONTO THAT BLASTED WHEEL BARROW OF YOURS THAT YOU HAD TO BRING ALONG! AND FOR THAT MATTER, IT'S NONE OF MY BLASTED FAULT THAT YOU SET OFF ONE OF THOSE FIRECRACKERS OF SAURON WHICH CAUSED ME TO DROP THE FOOD IN SHOCK! THIS IS NOOOOOOOOOOOONE OF MY FAULT!"  
  
Merry hesitated.  
  
"May I please have another carrot?"  
  
Pippin opened his mouth to begin another tirade, but instead out came out something else.  
  
"Good Lord..."  
  
"Oh don't tell me you're a Christian now, after pelting me with all of those violent and unnecessary insults!"  
  
Pippin ignored him and pointed, leaping up into a squat. He failed to notice that his tight breeches split in the back, revealing his Pokemon underwear.  
  
"Look, o'er there, just yonder. It looks like some lass..."  
  
"Is she hot?"  
  
"Britney Spears look alike. And if she's anything as whorish, I get first dibs."  
  
"SHIT!"  
  
Merry leaped up, splitting his trousers also, showing off his whitey tighties. When he came to Pippin's side, he gasped in shock.  
  
"Isn't she gorgeous?"  
  
Merry looked at Pippin's rear in puzzlement. "I don't know. I didn't look yet. All I know is that you're wearing Pokemon underwear."  
  
Pippin shrugged it off. "Good Lord, I think she's stripping! Merry, she's going to take a bath over there! Forget about going to Zippers or Pleasure Island tonight, I'm voting for home entertainment!"  
  
"Where did you get Pokemon underwear?" "GOOD LORDS...THOSE RIVAL BRITNEY SPEARS' FUCKING WATERMELONS!!! *insert orgasmic noise...here*"  
  
Merry perked up. "Watermelons? Where? Did you manage to pinch a few of those too?"  
  
Pippin groaned to himself in sheer pleasure. He moaned as he watched the young female hobbit bathe only about thirty meters away, shrouded only slightly by drooping willow trees; the guardians of the lake's sanctity.  
  
"I want her, I need her, GOOD LORD SHE IS SO BLOODY SEXY! It's over, Merry. I've got a new girl in my life."  
  
"Must I remind you once again: I AM OF THE MALE GENDER!"  
  
"Ah, yes, of course. Just a slight overlooking on my part."  
  
"You know, you never told be where you got that Pokemon underwear."  
  
Pippin just groaned, grasping his breeches tightly. "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!" he exclaimed in sheer pleasure.  
  
Merry looked at him angrily. "HAVE YOU NO DIGNITY MAN? WEARING POKEMON UNDERWEAR IS SOMETHING TO BE QUITE ASHAMED OF, MY FOUL SMELLING FRIEND!"  
  
Pippin sniffed his armpits suspiciously.  
  
"I'm not foul smelling."  
  
"THAT'S NOT THE POINT! WHAT IS WITH THAT UNDERWEAR?"  
  
"Huh, you didn't look too stylish either with your "Dexter's Lab" undies last weekend either, pal."  
  
Merry grumbled under his breath, then leaped up, pointing over to Lake Waelin.  
  
"HOLY SHIT! LOOK AT THAT HOBBIT! DAMN SHE'S HOT! SHE'S TOTALLY NUDE AND...LOOK AT THOSE WATERMELONS!"  
  
Pippin looked around the mossy clearing.  
  
"Watermelons? Where? Did you manage to filch any?"  
  
"OH DO SHUT UP!"  
  
"So sorry."  
  
"Hey! Where'd she go?"  
  
Suddenly they heard a pony trot up behind them quickly, and whirled around only to face a young female hobbit who drew her horse's head back and looked down at them regally.  
  
Merry and Pippin gulped at the gorgeous sight before them. This young hobbit had long, waist length red hair that lay wet against her, shining brilliantly in the midday sun. Her eyes were a bright green, the shade of the beautiful mosses surrounding her, while her eyelashes were extremely long and flattering for her big eyes. She had freckles splashed upon her milk white skin and her cheeks were slightly pink. She had beautiful curves covered only by a red minidress that tied up rather like a corset in the back.  
  
Pippin gasped and did a commendable and meritorious job of looking extremely flabbergasted.  
  
However, Merry stood there, semi-unimpressed. "I thought you said she was a Britney Spears look alike," he said, nudging Pippin.  
  
Yet one breath from her showered him in her scent of love, joy, and pain, and one flutter of her long eyelashes sent him over the brink entirely.  
  
Merry followed Pippin's lead in looking extremely flabbergasted, yet he didn't have nearly as much skill.  
  
She spoke, her luscious red lips barely parting as she spoke in a deep, soulful voice, a.k.a. a very sexy voice, much like the author's. :-P  
  
"So, what exactly where you saying about me? I would like to know, thanks." Merry and Pippin gulped visibly, in utter shock.  
  
Merry looked at Pippin sideways. "This is all your fault."  
  
"Well you know what? When I'm sleeping with her, you won't get any of that either!"  
  
Merry sighed with resignation; a skill he had acquired quite quickly, not being of the querulous sort. :)  
  
When he turned back to the young female, he would have leapt back if it had not been for the tree behind him. She was leaning over on her steed, face grim with determination, dagger at Merry's throat. He smiled weakly and waved.  
  
"Hehe...hello, there, lass," he managed, trying to sound bright and cheery while he glanced worriedly at the point of the dagger as best he could, which was tickling his neck. "Wo-would you mind putting tha-that down? Yo-you could put someone's eye out with that, you know...hehe..."  
  
She leapt down in front of a truly afraid Merry, then abruptly turned so that she was face to face with Pippin, who, in turn, gulped visibly at one glimpse of the fury and anger crossing what seemed to have been normally delicate features.  
  
Suddenly, her face softened as she enveloped him in a luscious kiss. Merry stood, rooted to the spot, absolutely horrified. His mouth was wide open and his eyes were the size of dinner plates as he gesticulated wildly with his hand at the confusing scene before him. At first Pippin tried to respond with wide open eyes and flailing arms, but eventually he succumbed to her as a muskrat does to a rattlesnake (when they just so happen to come into contact, like at a tea party or Britney Spears concert, for example). When she was "done", the girl came up for air, smiling pleasantly.  
  
Merry was outraged. A) She was kissing Pippin over him. B) Well, they didn't even know who she was yet! and C) She hadn't even-  
  
Suddenly she looked at Pippin strangely, as if almost repulsed.  
  
"Where did you get Pokemon underwear?"  
  
-okay, so she had. But they still didn't know who she was.  
  
Unable to hold himself together any longer, Merry leapt at her quite like a tree monkey.  
  
"WHO ARE YOU??" he exclaimed in major perturbation, flailing his limbs. Pippin just sat there, as if stoned.  
  
The girl looked at him as if struck by a sudden realization.  
  
"I haven't introduced myself yet, have I?"  
  
"Well, yeah, you could say that!"  
  
Suddenly she was all flowers, skipping over to her horse, who had stood there chewing on some red clover that was growing in patches all over the lush forest. The girl tossed back her hair dramatically, then tilted her head forward and looked up at them, giving her an almost evil appearance, then pouted her lips.  
  
"Bond. Jamyna Bond."  
  
"Baba...Jaba...Babya?" Pippin was back to life.  
  
Merry put all of his weight on his hind leg, then looked at her, summing her up, hands across his chest.  
  
"Bond, don't I know your family maybe from somewhere?"  
  
"My father likes to detonate bombs and kill bad guys." She responded in a deep Kathleen Turner voice, still looking at them both evilly.  
  
Merry raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Oh really...would you mind telling me what a bomb is?"  
  
"It's simple. There's a red wire and blue wire, and a whole lot of other shit I can't bother remembering."  
  
"Ah. I see."  
  
Coming back out of character, Jamyna shook her head and smiled brightly. She winked in Pippin's general direction.  
  
"Is your friend going to recover?"  
  
"Doubtful. Haul him onto your ass."  
  
"I beg your pardon?"  
  
"As in donkey ass."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Just put him on your horse."  
  
"Ah..."  
  
"Will you have sex with me?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Dammit."  
  
MORAL: There is no moral. Don't let anyone tell you there is. Just remember that Pokemon underwear is a turnoff, and you'll be okay. But, if it makes you feel any better, Merry still didn't get any, despite not wearing Pokemon underwear.  
  
Or, you can just say, damn, no moral, oh well, wouldn't have listened anyway.  
  
The choice is yours...well...whatever...hey, can I have some reviews? I loooooooove you...wow...they seriously have to make caffeine illegal, especially with the after high you get...er...wow. Please review my stories. I can get you cheap coffee... 


End file.
